Big Boss Bri Laws summed up the first team squad’s feelings on the matter: “Bo! Steve just hasn’t been the same in recent weeks. Selecta! I spotted it first, of course, I said to Russ Wilcox, I said ‘Russ Wilcox, do you see, do you bloody see, Russ Wilcox? Torps nodded it on to a man, a man on our side, Russ Wilcox. What do you think of that, Russ Wilcox?’ That’s what I said. Beeeeaaatch!
“None of us could believe it. I said to Martin Carruthers, I said ‘Martin Carruthers, look at Steve, he put the ball in the net. He put it in the net a lot. In the other team’s net. Them's bloody goals, Martin Carruthers, you see?’ That’s what I said. Peace Out!”
Unfortunately, Brian added: "This is not a rare occurance in football, I once heard of this team, you’ll know who they are, they got promoted recently and every single member of that team was using so-called ‘tactics’. Shocking. We prided ourselves on being above that sort of behaviour here. Word is bond, aaaiiiiiii!”
F.A. spokesman, Trumpet McTrouser-Press gave Iron-Bru.net this statement: “The FA’s suspicions were raised by the reports of Steven Jebediah Constantine Torpey playing well and scoring goals against everyone’s expectations.
"We finally decided to investigate after rumours suggested he had scored a hat trick against Torquay. It is our sad duty to announce that Steve has tested positive to a serious and disturbing case of ‘being quite good’ and ‘hitting a rich vein of form’.
"He did however test negative for using ‘pace’.”
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