Redefintion of `consistency` sought

OED spokesman, Angus McCoatup explains: "They’ve been faxing and e-mailing ever since the start of the season, it’s getting quite irritating now."

Dan Dee-Warhol of the RA added: "Basically, what we were looking for is a slight tweaking of the definition of the term ‘consistent’. Ideally, if the OED could make the new definition of ‘consistent’ similar to…well…in fact…exactly the same as the old definition of ‘inconsistent’, that would be super"

"You see, we’re not just seeking this on a whim, of course, it’s so we can hit our targets. I’ll give you an example… last Saturday, Glanford Park, Steve McLean scores his first goal for Scunthorpe, he runs in to the crowd and gets a yellow card for doing so.

"Three minutes later, Swansea’s Lee Trundle does exactly the same thing at the other end…scores, goes into the crowd, but this time…no card. Sooooo, under the old definitions, not consistent - target missed…BUT, under the new way, CONSISTENT – YAY - TARGET HIT - GO TEAM US. I feel that is a satisfactory example."

"Also, Nathan Stanton and Steve Basham of Oxford tussle in the box, ref gives a penalty for shirt pulling. But, Steve Torpey gets shirt stretched to Wayne Rooney size, right in front of the referee, no free kick. You see, under the old terms = inconsistent. Now = Consistent. It’s perfect."

Mr McCoatup was less enthusiastic, adding: "We don’t just change our definitions willy nilly, you know. We are getting loads of similar requests though. Just a couple of months ago these two fellas, George and Tony - they called themselves, came in asking us to change the definition of ‘having weapons of mass destruction’ to mean ‘having a lovely reserve of crude oil’."

Jim Coulson can be heard on 96.9 Viking FM in the early hours of the morning, and sometimes in the afternoons too.